Some Funnies

As the name suggests, this is where you have fun. Please keep it clean.

Postby Bushbaby » Tue Jan 17, 2006 3:18 pm

lol
http://www.snakebiteassist.co.za
http://www.reptileexpo.co.za
http://www.boaconstrictors.co.za
User avatar
Bushbaby
SA Reptiles Admin
 
Posts: 10591
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:04 am
Location: Pretoria

Postby Dangaboy » Wed Jan 18, 2006 7:40 am

Chuck Norris - The Facts


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.
Dangaboy
SA Reptiles Member
 
Posts: 70
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:04 am
Location: Johannesburg

Postby Dangaboy » Wed Jan 18, 2006 7:41 am

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When the director said he can't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris,"
and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

Biologically, Chuck Norris is his own step-father.

It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you grimly.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful; it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies just check the extinct species list.

We once had a bachelor party for Chuck Norris. He ate the entire cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat.
Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having s*x with his waitress.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact roundhoused to death by Chuck Norris.
Dangaboy
SA Reptiles Member
 
Posts: 70
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:04 am
Location: Johannesburg

Postby feri » Wed Jan 18, 2006 8:13 am

While I was driving down the N1 the other day, (going a little faster than I Should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a traffic-cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum-stretcher," I responded.

The traffic cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum-stretcher??"

And just what does a rectum-stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger into a rectum, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot poepol?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind A bridge..."

Speeding ticket: R250.00
Courtcosts: R1000.00
Look on traffic cop's face: P R I C E L E S S . . . . . .
User avatar
feri
SA Reptiles Member
 
Posts: 629
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 2:01 pm
Location: kibler park

Postby Bushbaby » Wed Jan 18, 2006 8:19 am

lol Feri!!
http://www.snakebiteassist.co.za
http://www.reptileexpo.co.za
http://www.boaconstrictors.co.za
User avatar
Bushbaby
SA Reptiles Admin
 
Posts: 10591
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:04 am
Location: Pretoria

Postby snake-5 » Wed Jan 18, 2006 9:12 am

He He i must remember that one lol
MY RETICS ARE ADIMANT THAT PEOPLE TASTE LIKE CHICKEN.

Im Zenafobic... that zena chick from t.v scares the cr@# out of me.
User avatar
snake-5
SA Reptiles Member
 
Posts: 1748
Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2005 8:40 am
Location: South Coast

Postby froot » Wed Jan 18, 2006 10:11 am

LOL!! Got to try that.
We salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who remove themselves from it.
Of necessity, this honor is generally bestowed posthumously. - www.darwinawards.com
User avatar
froot
Founder Member
 
Posts: 6901
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:19 am
Location: Joburg, South Africa

Postby neko » Wed Jan 18, 2006 11:57 am

Things we learnt from the movies:

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.
28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
It's peanutbutter jelly time! GET SOME!!
User avatar
neko
SA Reptiles Honorary Member
 
Posts: 1405
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:58 am
Location: Boksburg

Postby Gabi » Wed Jan 18, 2006 12:08 pm

LMAO!!!!!!!!
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
User avatar
Gabi
SA Reptiles Honorary Member
 
Posts: 1075
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:25 am
Location: Gauteng

Postby Bushbaby » Wed Jan 18, 2006 12:17 pm

Those are excellent Pinky. I think my ex defenitly made sure to remember no. 26 though. :(
http://www.snakebiteassist.co.za
http://www.reptileexpo.co.za
http://www.boaconstrictors.co.za
User avatar
Bushbaby
SA Reptiles Admin
 
Posts: 10591
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:04 am
Location: Pretoria

Postby Dangaboy » Wed Jan 18, 2006 12:24 pm

>If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

> On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.

> Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

> God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse kick ability.

> Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Ever.

> Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

> Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.

> In one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

> Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

> Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

> Chuck Norris invented water.

> Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

> One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

> Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed octopus of Eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

> Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's father.

> Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, it simply changes the actual spelling of it.

> Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

> In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation Chuck Norris can be
seen powering the USS enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks
Dangaboy
SA Reptiles Member
 
Posts: 70
Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2006 10:04 am
Location: Johannesburg

Postby feri » Wed Jan 18, 2006 12:36 pm

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of
her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your
fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room
again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at
Her finger with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my snot?"
User avatar
feri
SA Reptiles Member
 
Posts: 629
Joined: Sun Jul 31, 2005 2:01 pm
Location: kibler park

Postby Bushbaby » Wed Jan 18, 2006 12:40 pm

Gross!!!
http://www.snakebiteassist.co.za
http://www.reptileexpo.co.za
http://www.boaconstrictors.co.za
User avatar
Bushbaby
SA Reptiles Admin
 
Posts: 10591
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:04 am
Location: Pretoria

Postby viper200 » Thu Jan 19, 2006 2:40 pm

Thomas the Tank Engine

A mother was working in the kombuis, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son saying,

"All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a
hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause
we're going down the tracks".



The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there
for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train,but I want you to use nice language."



Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,

"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take
all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us
today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."



She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there
is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing
journey with us today."



As the mother began to smile, the child added..........



"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b**ch in the kombuis."
viper200
SA Reptiles Member
 
Posts: 267
Joined: Mon Jul 25, 2005 8:44 am
Location: Witbank

Postby froot » Thu Jan 19, 2006 3:09 pm

LMAO!
We salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who remove themselves from it.
Of necessity, this honor is generally bestowed posthumously. - www.darwinawards.com
User avatar
froot
Founder Member
 
Posts: 6901
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2005 8:19 am
Location: Joburg, South Africa

PreviousNext

Return to Fun and games

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron